One day an old lady went to the doctors because she had an itch in her crotch.
She told the doctor her problem and he said, “You have the crabs”.
She informed the doctor that it could not be the crabs because she was an eighty year old virgin.
She went to another doctor and explained her problem to him.
The doctor said, “You probably have the crabs”.
“No” she said, “I am an eighty year old virgin.”
Frustrated, she went to a third doctor.
She said, “Doctor can you help me? I have an itch in my crotch.
Don’t tell me that it is the crabs because I am an eighty year old virgin.
It can not be the crabs.”
The doctor said, Jump on the table and let’s have a look.”
“After examining the doctor proclaimed, “Ma’am, your right, you do not have the crabs, this cherry is so old, you have fruit flies.”
ANOTHER JOKE
$700 In A Wallett
A man discovers a wallet with $700.
A few days later, he comes across a note from a wealthy man who claims to have misplaced his wallet and is offering a reward of $50 to anyone who finds it.
After locating the owner, the man returns the wallet. “I see you’ve already taken your reward,” the wealthy man remarks after tallying the money.
“What do you mean?” asks the bewildered poor man.
“This wallet had $750 in it when I lost it,” the wealthy man responds.
They begin to quarrel and ultimately take the matter to court. The rich man concludes by adding, “Your Honor, I hope you believe me,” after both men had given their versions of events.
“Of course,” the elderly judge replies. The impoverished man is depressed as the wealthy man smiles. The judge then takes the wealthy man’s wallet and hands it over to the poor guy who found it.
“What are you doing?” says the wealthy man angrily.
“You are an honest man, and I believe you if you say your wallet contained $750,” the judge responds. However, the individual who discovered this wallet would not have given it back if he were dishonest. This wallet must belong to someone else. The money can be claimed by the true owner if they come forward. If not, it remains in the possession of the finder.
“What about my money?” the wealthy man says.
“We will have to wait,” the judge replies.
LOL!!
Hope this joke will make you smile! Have a nice day!!
A Lawyer and a Naughty Little Boy
A lawyer is trying to call his clients.
The phone rings, and their little boy whispers, “Hello.”
L = Lawyer
B = Little Boy
L: “Is your mother here?”
B: (whisper) “Yes.”
L: “Can I speak with her?”
B: (whisper) “She’s busy.”
L: “Is your father here?”
B: (whisper) “Yes.”
L: “Can I speak with him?”
B: (whisper) “He’s busy.”
L: “Is there anyone else?”
B: (whisper) “Firefighters.”
L: “Can I talk to one of them?”
B: (whisper) They’re busy.
L: “Is there anyone else?”
B: (whisper) “The police department.”
L: “Well, can I talk to one of THEM?”
B: (whisper) “They’re busy.”
L: “Let me make it clear, your mom, dad, firefighters, and police are ALL in your house, and they are ALL busy. WHAT are they doing?”
B: (whisper) “They’re looking for me.”
LOL!!!
Hope this joke will make you smile! Have a nice day!
———————————————————————————————————————————————————-
A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home.
A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home.
He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed, “Dear Lord, I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home
I want her to know what I go through, so please create a trade in our bodies.”
God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man’s wish.
The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman.
He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to draw out money to pay the power bill and telephone bill, drove to the power company and the phone company and paid the bills, went grocery shopping, came home and put away the groceries.
He cleaned the cat’s litter box and bathed the dog.
Then it was already 1 p.m and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor.
Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home.
Set out cookies and milk and got the kids organized to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.
At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing greens for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper.
After supper he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed
At 9 p.m
he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren’t finished, he went to bed where he was expected to have a “great time” with his wife— which he managed to get through without complaint.
The next morning he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said, “Lord, I don’t know what I was thinking, I was so wrong to envy my wife’s being able to stay home all day.
Please, oh please, let us trade back.” The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied,
“My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were
…
..
.
You’ll have to wait 9 months, though You got pregnant last night!”
=========
There are two buddies, one with a Doberman Pinscher and the other with a Chihuahua.
The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says to his friend, “Let’s go over to that restaurant and get something to eat.”
The guy with the Chihuahua says, “We can’t go in there. We’ve got dogs with us.”
The buddy with the Doberman Pinscher says, “Just follow my lead.”
They walk over to the restaurant, and the guy with the Doberman Pinscher puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in.
The bouncer at the door says, “Sorry, mac, no pets allowed!”
The man with the Doberman Pinscher says, “You don’t understand. This is my seeing-eye-dog.”
The bouncer says, “A Doberman Pinscher?”
He answers, “Yes, they’re using them now; they’re very good and protect me from robbers, too.”
The man at the door says, “Come on in.”
The buddy with the Chihuahua figures, “What the heck!” He puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in.
Once again the bouncer says, “Sorry, pal, no pets allowed!”
The guy with the Chihuahua says, “You don’t understand. This is my seeing-eye dog.”
The bouncer at the door says, “A Chihuahua?”
The man with the Chihuahua says, “A Chihuahua? They gave me a Chihuahua?”
————————————————————————————
A customer left his cell phone in a store
When a customer left his cell phone in my store, I scrolled through his saved numbers, stopped at “Mom” and pushed send.
His mother answered, and I told her what happened.
“Don’t worry,” she said, “I’ll take care of it.”
A few minutes later, the cell phone rang. It was “Mom.”
…
..
.
“Martin,” she said, “you left your cell phone at the convenience store.”
======
Chap goes in to a bar and orders a vodka and coke.
Barman serves him. Man drinks it orders another. This goes on for a while, until the chap begins to slow down.
Barman asks, “Is there anything the matter, sir?”
Chap replies, “I had an enormous argument with the wife. She said she won’t speak to me for a month. I have to sleep on the sofa.”
Barman says, “Best bet is to stop drinking, go home, and don’t let this argument carry on passed the first night. Nip it in the bud.”
Chap says, “You don’t understand. This is the last night.”
=====
A blonde stopped at a gas station, got out of the car, opened the hood, and checked the engine oil.
After a few seconds of what appeared to be intelligent thinking she took the dipstick in her hand and walked over to the attendant.
“Excuse me,” she said, “but can I buy a longer dipstick?”
“Sure, ma’am, of course. Why do you need a longer one?”
“Because this one isn’t long enough to reach the oil.”
————————————————————————————————
Two blondes were flying to Miami from Cleveland
Two blondes were flying to Miami from Cleveland.
Fifteen minutes into the flight, the captain announced “One of the engines has failed and the flight will be an hour longer. But don’t worry; we still have three engines.”
Thirty minutes later, the captain announced “One more engine has failed and the flight will be two hours longer. But don’t worry we still have two engines left”.
An hour later the captain announced, “One more engine has failed and the flight will be three hours longer. But don’t worry we have one engine left”.
…
..
.
One blonde looked at the other blonde and said “If we lose one more engine, we’ll be up here all day”
============================================
A husband was addicted to smoking and drinking.
One day, his wife got so angry that she told him: “If you keep on smoking, all of your intestines will fall out.”
Her husband didn’t believe her, so he kept on smoking and drinking just like he always did.
His wife was determined to prove herself right, so one day she went out early in the morning and bought some big intestines. She stuffed them in her husband’s underwear as he slept.
A short while later, he woke up, let out a huge scream, and then fell silent for the next 30 minutes.
After another 30 minutes of silence, he comes downstairs, sweating profusely.
“What happened?” asked the wife.
“You were right! My intestines did come out, but don’t worry honey – after a lot of work, I finally managed to push them back in.”
================================
Michael’s wife, refusing to give in to the looks of growing old,
goes out and buys a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger.
After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the “miracle” products, she asks her husband – “Darling, honestly, if you didn’t know me, what age would you say I am?”
Looking over her carefully, Michael replied…
“Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty five.”
“Oh, you flatterer!” she gushed.
Just as she was about to tell Michael his reward, he stops her by saying:
“WHOA, hold on there sweetie… I haven’t added them up yet!”
P.S – Please let us know if you’ve seen him, we’re very worried.
—————————————————————————————————
An irate father stormed into the principal’s office.
An irate father stormed into the principal’s office:
“I want to know why my son Winslow was given a zero on his English examination.”
“We’ll get your Winslow’s English teacher in here. I’m sure she has some explanation.” the principal said
A few minutes later, the English teacher come in.
“Why did you give Winslow a zero on his test?” demanded the father.
“I had no choice,” said the schoolmarm.
“He handed in a blank paper with absolutely nothing on it.”
“That’s no excuse,” shouted the father.
…
..
.
“You could have at least given him an ‘A’ for neatness!”
==============================
Machine and Bottle.
After the birth of their first child Tom and Sarah decided it was time to write a will and get their affairs in order.
They went to a lawyer and outlined for him their ideas about how their estate should be handled.
The lawyer then asked them questions about what medical means should be employed should they become severely injured.
Tom spoke up, “I don’t want my life regulated by some machine. I just can’t stand the idea of receiving my nourishment from a bottle.”
Sarah took Tom’s words to heart. When they got home, she cut the TV cord and dumped out all of Tom’s beer.
—————————————————————————————————————————-
A lady lost her handbag in the bustle of Christmas shopping
A lady lost her handbag in the bustle of Christmas shopping.
It was found by an honest little boy and returned to her.
Looking in her purse, she commented, “Hmmm…. That’s funny. When I lost my bag there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are twenty $1 bills. “The boy quickly replied.
“That’s right, lady
The last time I found a lady’s purse, she didn’t have any chance for a reward.”
LOLLLL, did you laugh? we hope you enjoy this joke.
Have a nice day!
You are loved!
====================================
First day on the job, and this trainee already knows how to handle the big boss!
A man starts his first day as a trainee at a big corporate empire. Feeling bold, he picks up the phone and dials the pantry. “Get me a coffee, quickly!” he demands.
But—oops! He didn’t dial the pantry.
A voice on the other end snaps back, “You fool! You’ve dialed the wrong extension! Do you even know who you’re talking to, dumbo?!”
“No,” the trainee replies.
The voice on the other end huffs, “It’s the CEO of the company, you fool!”
The trainee thinks for a second, then shouts back, “And do you know who YOU’RE talking to, you fool?!”
The CEO, now totally confused, asks, “No, who?”
The trainee replies, “Good!” and hangs up.