1st joke: The Englishman steals three buns, puts them into his pockets, and leaves.
He tells the Irishman, “That took great skill and guile to steal those buns. The owner didn’t even see me.”
“That’s just simple thievery,” the Irishman replied.
“I’ll show you how to do it the honest way and get the same results.”
The Irishman then proceeded to call out the owner of the bakery and said, “Sir, I want to show you a magic trick.”
The owner was intrigued, so he came over to see the magic trick.
The Irishman asked him for a bun, and then he proceeded to eat it.
He asked two more times, and after eating them again, the owner said,
“Okay, my friend, where’s the magic trick?”
The Irishman then said, “Look in the Englishman’s pockets.”
2nd joke: An Irishman walks into a bar in London
An Irishman walks into a bar in London one lunchtime and orders three pints of Guinness.
He takes them off to a table and starts drinking them, a sip at a time from each in sequence.
It’s unusual but the barman’s busy and doesn’t ask.
But the Irishman returns at lunch the next day and does the same thing.
And this goes on for a week before the barman eventually asks, “So, what’s with the three pints?”
The Irishman replies, “Simple. I have a brother back home in Dublin and another in New York, and we all promised we’d drink like this, as a way of staying close and keeping each other in mind, y’know.”
Which satisfies the barman.
Anyway, the days become weeks and months, the Irishman becomes a regular, and everyone knows and loves him.
The ritual becomes a part of the pub’s folklore.
One lunchtime, the Irishman comes in and orders two pints of Guinness.
Silence descends on the pub as the Irishman takes his pints to his table.
The barman, awkward as all hell but feeling like he has to say something, comes over to the Irishman and says, “Er, listen, Paddy, I just wanted to say I – well, we – we’re all so sorry for your loss, and, er, if there’s anything we can, er, we can do to, y’know, help or anything…”
The Irishman looks up at the barman, his face a mask of incomprehension – until suddenly, understanding hits him and he starts laughing.
“What? You thought – aw c’mon man, it’s nothing like that! I just quit drinking!”
3rd joke: A two-letter word
There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meaning than any other two-letter word, and that is “UP.”
It’s easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we waken in the morning, why do we wake UP. At a meeting, why does a topic come UP?
Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report?
We call UP our friends, we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car. At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses. To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special, and this is confusing. A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP. We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.
We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP. To be knowledgeable of the proper uses of UP, look UP the word in the dictionary. In a desk size dictionary, UP takes UP almost 1/4th the page and definitions add UP to about thirty.
If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don’t give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.
When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP. When it rains, it wets UP the earth. When it doesn’t rain for a while, things dry UP.
One could go on and on, but I’ll wrap it UP, for now my time is UP, so I’ll shut UP.
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4th joke: The man told his doctor that he wasn’t able to do all the things around the house that he used to do.
When the examination was complete, he said: “Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me.”
“Well, in plain English,” the doctor replied, “you’re just lazy.”
“Okay,” said the man.
“Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife.”
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5th joke: A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day.
“In English,” he said, “A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative.”
A voice from the back of the room piped up, “Yeah, right.”
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6th joke: Will the Morons Please Stand Up.
One day a college professor of Psychology was greeting his new college class.
He stood up in front of the class and said, “Would everyone who thinks he or she is stupid please stand up?”
After a minute or so of silence, a young man stood up.
“Well, good morning. So, you actually think you’re a moron?” the professor asked.
The kid replied, “No sir, I just didn’t want to see you standing there all by yourself.”