In a shocking revelation that is absolutely damning to the integrity of our nation’s legislative process, a senior staffer from Nancy Pelosi’s office has admitted that she has not been sober on the House floor in twenty years. That’s right—two decades of intoxicated decision-making, and we’re just now hearing about it.
Drunk on Power… Literally?
While many assumed this meant Pelosi’s office has been operating under a constant wine-fueled haze, the staffer clarified that this was not about alcohol at all.
“Oh no, she’s a teetotaler,” the anonymous source revealed. “She’s just completely and utterly drunk on power. She doesn’t need booze—she gets the same effect from raising taxes and banning light bulbs.”
Yes, folks, that’s even worse than a few too many martinis. Imagine staggering around Capitol Hill, giggling as you draft spending bills, knocking over government documents, and recklessly shoving progressive policies down America’s throat—all while stone-cold sober.
But She Probably Drinks at Home
Of course, while Pelosi may claim to be a model of restraint in public, there are serious questions about what happens when the cameras aren’t rolling.
“I mean, sure, she doesn’t drink on the House floor,” the staffer admitted. “But you’re telling me she goes home after a long day of bossing people around and doesn’t crack open a $500 bottle of Napa Valley cabernet? Come on.”
It’s a fair point. Can we really trust that someone who owns multiple freezers filled with gourmet ice cream isn’t washing it down with a little something special in a crystal goblet?
The Children’s Charity Event Scandal
To make matters worse, this same staffer alleges that Pelosi has been seen drinking in public before—at a children’s charity event.
“I know Snopes says it never happened,” the source stated, “but let’s be real—Snopes also said Hillary wasn’t hiding emails in her basement, and we all know how that turned out.”
The event in question? A 2012 fundraiser for sick kids, where Pelosi was reportedly seen holding a glass of wine while talking about climate change. According to some, that’s all the proof we need.
And the Staffer Is…?
Now, in the interest of full transparency, it should be noted that this brave whistleblower does not, in fact, work for Pelosi at all.
He works for Lauren Boebert.
Yes, it turns out that the anonymous “Pelosi aide” is actually Joe Barron, a junior-level staffer in Boebert’s communications office who, by his own admission, “might have misunderstood some details.”
But does that change the facts? Absolutely not. The bottom line remains: Pelosi has been intoxicated with power for decades, and we will not rest until every detail is exposed.