Shortly after a British Airways flight had reached its cruising altitude,
the captain announced:
“Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain.
Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to New York.
The weather ahead is good, so we should have an uneventful flight.
So, sit back, relax, and… OH…MY GOD!”
Silence followed……………….
complete silence!…………
Some moments later, the captain came back on the intercom.
“Ladies and Gentlemen, I’m sorry if I scared you.
While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled coffee in my lap.
You should see the front of my pants!”
From the back of the plane, an Irish passenger yelled “For the luvva Jaysus, you should see the back of mine!”
2nd joke: Johnny’s Dad Is Called Into The Headmasters Office
Little Johnny’s dad is called into the headmaster’s office for his son’s misbehavior.
He arrives 10 minutes late.
“Sorry I’m late Mrs Deeny, I forgot to polish some n0bs at work before leaving tonight. “
Mrs Deeny looks up from her desk in disgust.
“Yeah, I almost lost my job at the doorknob factory last time I did that.
To be fair they weren’t too happy that I was walking around with my tool out.”
Mrs Deeny gulps and stares up at him.
“I mean, they normally like me to leave my rooster at home.
He’s a real trouble maker, I once found him p*cking at my w!fe’s pr!v@te p@.rt”
Mrs Deeny falls off her chair and swiftly picks herself back up.
“That cat didn’t know what was coming. I was a bit disturbed though when I found the cat licking Johnny’s little sausage the other day!”
Mrs Deeny gasped. “Yeah, Johnny missed breakfast that day because the cat ate it?
That’s nothing though… “Mrs Deeny leaned forward.
“Yeah, last night I caught that c*nt wanking off to some bang filthy sh!t
3rd joke: Life of a husband is so difficult
Mr Jones drove his secretary home after she had a little too much to drink at their new year’s office party.
She was sooooo drunk.
Although nothing happened, he decided not to mention it to his wife who was an insanely jealous and suspicious woman.
Later that night, Mr Jones and his wife were in the car when he spotted a high-heeled shoe under the passenger seat…
While his wife wasn’t looking, he picked up the shoe and tossed it out of his window…
Later, as they got out of the car, his wife asked,
“Honey, have you seen my other shoe?”
Life of a husband is so difficult…