Joe passed away. His will provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral.
As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Helen, turned to her oldest friend.
“Well, I’m sure Joe would be pleased,” she said.
“I’m sure you’re right,” replied Jody, who lowered her voice and leaned in close.
“How much did this really cost?”
“All of it,” said Helen. “$30,000.”
“No!” Jody exclaimed. “I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?”
Helen answered. “The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church. The wake, food, and drinks were another $500. The rest went for the memorial stone.”
Jody computed quickly. “$22,500 for a memorial stone? My God, how big is it?!”
“Two and a half carats.”
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A woman takes her little boy to visit their dead relatives’ gravestones at a cemetery.
The little boy has never been to a cemetery before. The woman first takes her son her grandmother Annie’s gravestone.
The initials under Annie’s name say R.I.P. The little boy asks, “Mommy, what does R.I.P. stand for?”
His mother replies, “It stands for ‘Rest in Peace.’ That means we wish for Grandma Annie’s spirit to find peace in the afterlife.”
Then, they come across the gravestone of the woman’s uncle Joe. The little boy asks, “Mommy, what does R.I.H. stand for?”, pointing to the initials printed under Uncle Joe’s name.
“We really didn’t like Uncle Joe.” Said his mother.
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A lawyer meets with the family of a recently deceased millionaire for the reading of the will.
‘To my loving wife, Rose, who always stood by me, I leave the house and $2 million,’ the attorney reads.
‘To my darling daughter, Jessica, who looked after me in sickness and kept the business going, I leave the yacht, the business and $1 million.’
‘And finally,’ the lawyer concludes, ‘to my cousin Dan, who hated me, argued with me and thought I would never mention him in my will.’
‘Well, you were wrong. Hi Dan!’
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A new business was opening and one of the owner’s friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion.
They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card, which said: “Rest in Peace.” The owner was angry and called the florist to complain.
After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist replied: “Sir, I’m really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this – somewhere, there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying:
“Congratulations on your new location!”
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The Bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand.
Everyone in the room was wondering what was given to the father by the bride.
The father could feel the suspense in the air and all eyes were on him to divulge the secret and say something.
So he announced: ” Ladies and Gentlemen, today is the luckiest day of my life.”
Then he raised his hands with what is his daughter gave him and said,
“My daughter has finally returned my Credit Card to me!!!” The whole audience burst into laughter.
Except the Groom.
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Margaret was very upset as her husband Albert had just passed away.
She went to the undertaker’s to have one last look at her dearly departed husband. The instant she saw him she started crying. One of the undertakers strides up to provide comfort in this somber moment.
Through her tears she explains that she is upset because her dearest Albert was wearing a black suit, and it was his dying wish to be buried in a blue suit.
The undertaker apologizes and explains that traditionally, they always put the bodies in a black suit, but he’d see what he could arrange.
The next day she returned to the undertakers to have one last moment with Albert before his funeral the following day. When the undertaker pulls back the curtain, she managed to smile through her tears as Albert is resplendent in a smart blue suit.
She said to the undertaker “Wonderful, wonderful, but where did you get that beautiful blue suit?”
“Well, yesterday afternoon after you left, a man about your husband’s size was brought in & he was wearing a blue suit. His wife explained that she was very upset as he had always wanted to be buried in a black suit,” the undertaker replied.
The wife smiled at the man.
He continued, “After that, it was simply a matter of swapping the heads.”
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There was a lady in her 90s who became a sort of local celebrity because she had recently gotten married.
The local news station decided to interview her. The interviewer asked questions like how it was to be a newlywed in her 90s.
“This isn’t my first husband, so it’s not much different than the others,” she replied with a smile.
“Oh? How many husbands have you had?” the interviewer inquired.
“This one will be my fourth,” she replied.
“I was married in my 20s to a banker, then in my 40s to a circus performer. After that I married a preacher.”
“What does your current husband do?”
“Oh, he’s a funeral director.”
The interviewer laughed and then asked how she came to marry these men from such different backgrounds and personalities.
“It always made sense to me,” she replied.